As the title says, everyone post a joke.

Try not to make them too long.

Heres mine.


A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a
little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike", the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got
there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did,"
chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell
Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

lol

LMAO!!! That's awesome!!

Another

A man who had been at sea for 3 months on a fishing trawler on arriving back home raced to his local whore house. he was greated by the lady at the front desk with a warm smile and asked "how may i help you today sir"

"i have been at sea for 3 months and fell REALLY horny but i feel a little strange about asking for this particular request" he replied.

"go ahead sir we cater for all sorts of requests here" the madam said.

so he said "ok, well, i really want to **** a chook."

"a chook. no problem" replied the madam without battering an eye "3rd door on the left. that'll be $20"

so the man payed his money and went down to the 3rd door on the left and sure enough there was a chook on a bed. so he had his way with it and left a happy man.

a week later he returned to the whore house and was greated by the same madam. upon seeing the man she asked if he would like the same again?

"No thanx, i am over that and feel quite normal again." he said "i was woundering if i might be able to watch a peep show?" he asked

"peep show? not a problem that'll be $10 and it's the 2nd door on the left."

the man payed his money and went down to the second door on the left. when he entered the dark room he saw a few chairs in a tiny room and through a 2 way mirror could see a couple going hammer and tong on a bed in the next room! there was only one other man in the room. so the man took a seat and started watching. after a few minutes the sailor turned to the other man and said "gee this is alright isn't it?!?!"

the other man just tillted his head and said "yeah you should have been here last week there was a bloke ****ing a chook"

great jokes guys.

hope u havent heard this one.

Why dont you give a women oral sex in the morning? :boob

have u ever tried opening a grilled cheese sandwich!!!
:mrgreen: :mrgreen:
hope u like it.

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

"St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

And a couple of nun joke. Oldies but goodies.

two nuns were walking down a dark alley minding their own business, when two blokes jumped out and proceeded to rape them.
the first nun, tears running down her cheeks, looked up to heaven and said "forgive them father, for they know not what they are doing"
the second nun, with a huge grin on her face, looked up and said "this one does!!"



three nuns were walking through a park when a bloke jumped out and flashed them.
the first nun had a stroke
the second nun had a stroke
the third nun didn't touch him

great jokes guys.

hope u havent heard this one.

Why dont you give a women oral sex in the morning? :boob

have u ever tried opening a grilled cheese sandwich!!!
:mrgreen: :mrgreen:
hope u like it.

OMFG :throwup :boob :throwup :boob

jeffsy - LOL!!!!.... good ones...............

to continue with Jeffsy's line of catholic jokes........

Whats a priests favorite meal?

Nun........


badump bish!

to continue with Jeffsy's line of catholic jokes........

Whats a priests favorite meal?

Nun........


badump bish!

i dont having some nun as long as they look like one of the charlies angels. :boob

Great funnies there Jeff!! :hammer

how can you fellas resist so long we need some michael jackson influence in here.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

one is plastic and dangerous to children, the other is used for carrying groceries!

What did the mother say to michael jackson on the beach?

could you please get out of my sun.

ratta tat tat tat tat bump bump bump budump pish!!!

Ok......First off. NO offense to anyone here with this one, if does offend you, don't read it. Also, LONG, but worth the read!



A jet-liner takes off east out of florida to head overseas. About half way across the atlantic, the pilots notice a serious problem! Their payload (or weight) is way too heavy and will require too much fuel to make it across.
At the same time, they are far enough where they can't make it back to florida.

The pilots realize one solution, simply, some people have to get off or they will all die.

A few minutes later, the pilot calmly gets on the intercom to explain the situation to passengers.

After he explained it, he said their was only one way to be fair about it, and that was to go in alphabetical order.

So after everyone calmed down a bit, the pilot calmy gets on teh intercom.... "ok, all african americans, get of the plane"

Oddly, noone gets off.

A couple minutes pass and the pilot gets back on the intercom.......
"ok, all the blacks, get off the plane"

Once again...noone gets off.

So, the pilot tries again........
"ok, all the colored people, get off the plane"

Noone gets off


At this time, a little african american boy in the back of the plane looks up at his dad and says............

"daddy, aren't we all of those?"

His dad looked back at him, and calmly said.........

"not today son, today we are niggers, we will let the mexicans go first"









Once again.....no offense to anyone. I just like the ending cause you do not expect it at all!!

:laugh :roll :hehe

Penfold and I were duscussing the benefits of....so i'd like to start promoting my new product.

The Part-time Wife!

http://bliss.devleworm.com/images/parttimewife.jpg

order now and shipping is FREE!

I want two of these! I like the mute feature myself!

She goes from :cuss to :rant

Here's one. What do you tell a girl with two black eyes??????/


:jester :poke :gives :jacked :bsflag






Nothing you told here twice.




Blade

dam redline thats freakin highlarious.

demon put me down for two of those part time wifes also. :boob :idhitit

More Michael Jackson.....

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

Because there's twenty of them!


Btw, where are the part time husbands at???!!! You know, the ones who only want to :hump when WE want to instead of all day everyday, and who take out the trash before we ask or before it overflows, and washes the car, and changes the oil? And can I get that with free shipping :?: :?:
Who said girls were demanding? :twisted:

Who said girls were demanding? :twisted:

rolflmao hahahahahahahaha.... that's a joke right?

wash a car? what is car? is that what you call a motorcycle? :mrgreen:


sorry i don't have the guts to search google images for a male sex doll box... sorry no. :throwup

The car is what I end up in after the "man of the house" jacks me for my bike cuz his is getting it's latest mod :cuss

Now where can I find that man in a box?!

http://bliss.devleworm.com/@construction%20man.jpg


just for you


i need to go heal my eyes: :boob

Awww....how sweet. Hopefully the trauma won't be permanent. I know that had to hurt :poke

ahhhhhhhhh im blind. dam u for deflowering me. hope it was worth it grau.
:mrgreen:

Where's the part time husbands??? That's simple r6grl!!!


You can just pass your # around and we'll answer only when you call.

:lmao

That'd be just like a part-time husband, except no rings involved. Now that would change the females problem of complaing of the men always wanting sex......we like the sex either way, if it's with 1 part-time wife, or 20 part-time wifes.

Now if guys had 31 girls like that......that would solve all female problems, cause they then wouldn't have to complain about only getting it once a month :hammer

Where's the part time husbands??? That's simple r6grl!!!


You can just pass your # around and we'll answer only when you call.

:lmao

That'd be just like a part-time husband, except no rings involved. Now that would change the females problem of complaing of the men always wanting sex......we like the sex either way, if it's with 1 part-time wife, or 20 part-time wifes.

Now if guys had 31 girls like that......that would solve all female problems, cause they then wouldn't have to complain about only getting it once a month :hammer

mmmm... 31 girls goodness.... that would never get old and keep everything all nice and fresh, nothing over used. :hump

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

hahahaha :boob

check this one out. its actually a little video

http://www.packphour.com/media/ijustwantbangbangbang.swf

I think I liked the construction guy better. He looked like he'd take out the trash... :jump

Hahahahahaha, I like your icon r6grl!!

:lmao :gay


"I have had no professional training of any kind, it is just my voice"

ha ha what a ****in tool!!

What food kills a womans sex drive?





Wedding Cake! HA!

... one day this guy walks into this bar at like 11 am, right when they open, he sits down and says..."bartender, i need 5 shots of tequilla", the bartender looks at him and says, "hey man, its still kinda early to be drinking that hard stuff right off the bat, are you ok? is something wrong?", the guy looks up and says, "i just found out my brother is gay", so the bartender says, "oh man, im so sorry, here you go..5 shots" the man takes his shots and leaves..the next day, same time, same guy walks in and sits down, "bartender, i need 10 shots of tequilla!", the bartender says, "oh man, whats wrong now?", the guy says, "i just found out that my son is gay", so the sympathetic bartender gives him his 10 shots and 2 more on the house. next morning, same time, the same guy walks in, sits down..."bartender, i need 15 shots of tequilla!!". the bartender looks at him and says "good god man, doesnt anybody in your family like women?", the guy replies with a snort, "yeah... my wife does!!"

... one day this guy walks into this bar at like 11 am, right when they open, he sits down and says..."bartender, i need 5 shots of tequilla", the bartender looks at him and says, "hey man, its still kinda early to be drinking that hard stuff right off the bat, are you ok? is something wrong?", the guy looks up and says, "i just found out my brother is gay", so the bartender says, "oh man, im so sorry, here you go..5 shots" the man takes his shots and leaves..the next day, same time, same guy walks in and sits down, "bartender, i need 10 shots of tequilla!", the bartender says, "oh man, whats wrong now?", the guy says, "i just found out that my son is gay", so the sympathetic bartender gives him his 10 shots and 2 more on the house. next morning, same time, the same guy walks in, sits down..."bartender, i need 15 shots of tequilla!!". the bartender looks at him and says "good god man, doesnt anybody in your family like women?", the guy replies with a snort, "yeah... my wife does!!"

that guy has one ****ed up life.

Grandmas story:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.



I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.


It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.



I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.


Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach....


I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.


Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back...


My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.


A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.


I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed...


So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.



I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

this is the american idol "like a vergin" by madona

http://bliss.devleworm.com/@idolvirgin.asf

demon i have one thing to say to you :FU :321

what did i do? :screwy


:321

A blonde cop pulls over a blond for speeding.
The blonde cop walks up to the car and says to the Blonde driver 'please show me you license".
The blonde drivers says "whats a license"
The Blonde cop responds "a little retangle thing with your picture on it".
So the blonde driver rummages through her hand bag and finds a small mirror, looking at it she sees herself and hands it over to the cop.
"here you go" she says.
The blonde cop looks at it and says
"gees if I had know you were a cop I wouldnt have pulled you over"

LOL!!!!

Here’s a blonde story to end all blonde stories!
If she had killed herself - God forbid - she’d be a
shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east
of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating, was
having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft.
Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at all, and it was very sluggish in
almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to
come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
REMEMBER, this is TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

jeffsy jeffsy jeffsy we already talked about this in another thread man. but still a classic story. i love knowin i lived there and saw a pic of that. it was piss in ur pants funny. :mrgreen:

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face?"

Ok Pen......... :ot

how about something that we haven't heard :lmao

Here's a couple...

ITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please
use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business.

How about one more...

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

good one croft :boob :hump

Three couples want to be married in a prestigious church. In order to do this, the minister explains, they must abstain from sex for 30 days and then report back to him. Thirty days later, the first couple shows up and the preacher asks them how it went. “Well, it was tough, but we really want this, so we made it.” “Great, see my secretary and she will set chapel reservations for you.” The second couple comes in shortly after that and says, “We had a real hard time but…we did it.” “Great, see my secretary,” says the preacher. Then the third couple comes in and the minister asks them how it went. The man says, “It was really tough. We made it until day 28, and then…well, she dropped a can of corn on the floor, bent over to pick it up, she was wearing a mini skirt and no panties, and I couldn’t help it. I nailed her right there.” “You realize you are not allowed to get married in this church now, right?” the minister asks. “Yeah,” the man replies. “That’s OK. We’re not allowed to shop at that Safeway anymore either.”

now i really hate safeway for some reason. :mrgreen:

THE GOLDEN YEARS

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their
ailments:

"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."




When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all the passengers in his car.



Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."



An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".





A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."




An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

dam coniving, no drivin, viagra sex havin, wrinkled up old people. when are they gonna learn :mrgreen:

dam coniving, no drivin, viagra sex havin, wrinkled up old people. when are they gonna learn :mrgreen:
agreed

haha you guys crack me up man, especially "Little Tony" haha. more jokes keep em coming guys.

http://www.r6-forum.com/albums/Member-Rides/ahc.jpg Here is my joke.

daaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm

u dont mess around with your jokes. did u get jealous at your husband or something. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Dude, these two guys walk into a bar

RIGHT!!!!!!

The third one ducks!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahah

hahahahahaha
hahahaha

hahahaha

As the TransCanadian train pulled into Calgary station, a couple of strangers, a man and an attractive woman, boarded the train and asked the conductor if there were any berths left. He said that he was sorry but there was only one left, a double bunk berth. The man turned to the woman and said, "Well it's a long trip, so if you don't mind, why don't we share, I'll take the top bunk and you have the bottom one, is that OK with you?" The woman readily agreed so they settled down for the night. About two hours later, as the train was getting well into the foothills of the Rockys and it was getting a bit cold, the man leaned over the edge of his bunk and said to the woman,"Are you still awake?" She answered "Yes, why?" The man, shivering, said, "Could you pass me that blanket on the dresser there, it's getting quite chilly up here?" The woman answered "I've got a better idea, lets play man and wife!" The man excitedly said "Sure!" So the woman said: "In that case, get your own ****ing blanket!"

haha thats hilarious!!!!

:lmao That was a good one.
How about the chick who won the lottery, ran home all excited and happy, and told her boyfriend, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!!" He says, "Wow! that's great! What should I pack? Clothes for someplace warm, or someplace cold?"
"I don't care! Just get the hell out!" she replies...

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and
thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece
together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this
puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk
by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these
magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland"
begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors
detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops
up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional
Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's
in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a
night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a
poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI
(Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments
during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time
will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a
night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the
REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically
removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.
Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and
quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's
navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong
bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter
drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other
people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are
designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you
are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that
you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking
Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get
through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home
from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a cannibal tribe.
The missionary asked the cannibal chief, "Do you people know anything about
religion?"
After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when the last
missionary was here."


Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse
climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.
Blam! Blam! "All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill
all the woman!" Blam! Blam! "That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all
the men and kill all the women!" A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I
think you've got it backwards." Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back
calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"


A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual
services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the
number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of
assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a
little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace.
What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you
might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."


Does anyone find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of
Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Look for the ACLU
(American COW Liberty Union) to change all that real soon. Cows have rights too.


Q: You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on your
left side there is an abyss. On your right side you have a fire engine and it
keeps the same speed as you. In front of you runs a pig, larger than your car.
A helicopter is following you, at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig
are keeping the same speed as you. What will you need to do to be able to stop?

Answer: Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round and leave your
seat to someone younger. The children's merry-go-round in the amusement park is
primarily for the younger children..

Osama bin Laden, feeling sickly and concerned about his mortality, consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer. “You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously. “Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”

Amen to that! I know I will celebrate!

AMEN my brother. i will drink to that.

dam pen you did alot of typin up there. u must have been drunk to do that, or you are now sufferin from carpel tunnel. :mrgreen:

dam pen you did alot of typin up there. u must have been drunk to do that, or you are now sufferin from carpel tunnel. :mrgreen:

Copy/Paste my friend........Copy/Paste......

dam pen you did alot of typin up there. u must have been drunk to do that, or you are now sufferin from carpel tunnel. :mrgreen:

Copy/Paste my friend........Copy/Paste......

man i take back everything i didnt say about you. you are a smart man. :mrgreen:

man i take back everything i didnt say about you. you are a smart man. :mrgreen:

wait, I don't understand that......my brain.......it.......huuuuuuuurts!

never mind you arent as smart as i thought if what little bit of brain hurts after that simple sentence. :mrgreen:

atleast I don't get a concussion when I sit down to hard........

man i hate it when i do OUUCH dammit i only have 13 more concussions till im brailn dead. :cuss

what happens when you get "poked" in the "head"? Thats gotta cause some serious damage, no?

not sure yet. i try to "poke" warm moist places with my "head". :hump

ya but don't the cattle ranchers get mad?

sometimes but not as mad as those sheep shepards up there.

Maybe we could call this thread the Loki and Penfold bitching at each other thread...

Maybe we could call this thread the Loki and Penfold bitching at each other thread...

Nah, I like the post a joke thread title since this was all in good humor. We all gotta blow off steam from time to time and Lok and I have fun having a go at each other......

But to placate all, here are some jokes for the post a joke thread.....

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the
dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw." But the guy said, "No,
please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles." The dentist said, "OK, I'll get
out the gas to put you to sleep." However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to
the gas." So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."
After awhile he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked, "What kind of
pills are those?" The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"
The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to
hang on to while I pull your tooth.


The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge bragging to the
hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they retire to his room
and check it out, and he willingly agreed. The guy stripped off his clothes,
jumped on top of the hooker, entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you
open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?" "Open my mouth?"
scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?"

Two women are in the vegetable aisle at the grocery store and they come to the
potatoes. One of the women picks up two of the larger potatoes and says, "Gee,
these are just like my husband's balls." The other woman asks, "that big?" To
which she replies, "No, that dirty."


An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the
Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling
screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little
uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are
more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God,"says the old lady, "now what is
happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe
so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."


A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection. A woman
witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the
ground in a pool of blood. She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and
whispers, "Do you need a priest?" The boy moans, "How can you think of sex at a
time like this?"

It's all good in da hood now!

Maybe we could call this thread the Loki and Penfold bitching at each other thread...

u cant say u didnt laugh readin them so theres the joke for ya it just took multiple posts.

dam good jokes pen :hammer

Maybe we could call this thread the Loki and Penfold bitching at each other thread...

Nah, I already set up one of those threads. Its called the "slagging off" thread

Check here

http://www.r6-forum.com/nuke/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=1289

Ya but that thread is over rated already..........

Maybe we need a "Slagging off thread Version 2.0" ??? :hammer

you need a good slaggin mate!

A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection. A woman
witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood. She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?" The boy moans, "How can you think of sex at a time like this?"

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi square root (l / g).
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection. A woman
witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood. She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?" The boy moans, "How can you think of sex at a time like this?"

maybe we can all this the "amncroft bites penfold's jokes" thread! :moon

jus playin man! be safe out there and come home soon!

C'mon Pen! They were good jokes...Right? Right? Anyone? ANYONE???

Ya, the physics test one was great. It funny how some of the greatest minds seem to border on that kind of lunatic fringe of having some many frickin ideas about how to solve something that they get so distracted by each one of them that it is sometimes hard for them to come up with a cohesive answer. but alas, Mr. Bohr did not bore with his answer!

what did you say i fell asleep readin that physics joke. oh ya u asked if they were good jokes. ill go with what is yes alex. ding ding ding. next category please. dam i think im goin insane. :poke

The hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7 mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

haha i thinking they were going to bring him a prostitute or something. :poke

What Household Pets Are Thinking..........

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind
eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion
over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a
cracker? **** NO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the
fridge."

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, asshole. There's a new one!"

Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable
to stop myself from looking for it."

Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food
bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass.

Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll
know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the
balcony' test again."

Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!"

im sure u know that gerbil one by personal experience :moon

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a ' seven-hundred-ten thingy.'
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
"What in the world is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the part that's right in the middle of the
engine, I have lost the one I had and need a new one."

She explained that she did not know what it does, but this piece had
always been there and she thought she should have it replaced.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what it
looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

Still confused, he then took her over to another car which had its hood
up and asked "is there a 710 piece on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Right then, we were all reminded of who we were dealing with . . .

































http://www.r6-forum.com/albums/OffTopic/abe.jpg

hahaha NICE!

jeez what a freakin idiot. :mrgreen: :stupic

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10
mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on
top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to
the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied,
"I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what
do you do?" I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what
does a rectum stretcher do?" I said, "Well, I start
with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work
until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly
stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6
foot asshole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar
gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

god i still love to hear that joke. :hammer

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand
just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule
applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:
1.You make the bed.....+1
2.You make the bed, but forget to add the de corative pillows.....0
3.You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
4.You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
5.You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
6.When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
7.When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
8.You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
9.In the snow .....+8
10.But return with beer.....-5
11.And no liners.....-25
12.You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
13.You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
14.You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
15.You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
16.It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY:
1.You stay by her side the entire party.....0
2.You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
3.Named Tiffany.....-4
4.Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
5.With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY:
1.You remember her birthday.....0 You buy a card and flowers.....0
2.You take her out to dinner.....0
3.You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
4.Okay, it is a sports bar .....-2
5.And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
6.It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team ...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
1.Go with a pal.....0
2.The pal is happily married.....+1
3.The pal is single.....-7
4.He drives a Ferrari.....-10
5.With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
1.You take her to a movie.....+2
2.You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
3.You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
4.You take her to a movie you like.....-2
5.It's called Death Cop III.....-3
6.Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
7.You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YO UR PHYSIQUE:
1.You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
2.You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10
3.You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
4.You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
1.You hesitate in responding.....-10
2.You reply, "Where?".....-35
3.You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
4.Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION: When she wants to talk about a problem:
1.You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
2.You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
3.You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
4.You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what
do you think I should do?".....-100
5.You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:
1.You talk..... -100
2.You don't talk.....-150
3.You spend time with her......-200
4.You don't spend time with her.....-500
5.You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever

["Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"


Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm Positive..."


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.


A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nut & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fish


Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive" "]

Theres a bear and a rabbit sittin in the woods talkin and the bear says "man i have a problem with crap stickin to my fur, how bout you"

the rabbit looks at the bear and says" nope never had that problem"

so the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with the rabbit. :mrgreen:

What do you call a smart blonde?

Golden Retriever. :mrgreen:

so im enrolling in this new class they have at my college, its called intercourse, all you have to do is come :boob

so im enrolling in this new class they have at my college, its called intercourse, all you have to do is come :boob

ya ive been teachin that class for years now. it will only cost ya a blow job. :mrgreen:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Haha ... THAT WAS FUNNY.. :hammer

Why did Hitler quit drinking vodka?

It made him mean.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

okay, stop me if u heard this one.


okay so superman is flying through the city looking for some crime, and he sees wonder woman. she is sitting on a rooftop, butt-naked, laying spread eagle. after staring for a while, he starts thinking to himself, "well, i am pretty fast, and if i just took a few pumps, she wont know it was me." so he says to himself, "Imma take it" with his superhuman, light-speed agility, he swoops down and pumps it in wonder woman a few times and fly away. Wonder woman suddenly says "wtf was that" and the invisible man says. I dont know but my ass hurts.

okay, i know, it was corny :stupic

okay, stop me if u heard this one.


okay so superman is flying through the city looking for some crime, and he sees wonder woman. she is sitting on a rooftop, butt-naked, laying spread eagle. after staring for a while, he starts thinking to himself, "well, i am pretty fast, and if i just took a few pumps, she wont know it was me." so he says to himself, "Imma take it" with his superhuman, light-speed agility, he swoops down and pumps it in wonder woman a few times and fly away. Wonder woman suddenly says "wtf was that" and the invisible man says. I dont know but my ass hurts.

okay, i know, it was corny :stupic

STOP :mrgreen: still funny though

How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand. :throwup

Knock Knock

Ok......First off. NO offense to anyone here with this one, if does offend you, don't read it. Also, LONG, but worth the read!



A jet-liner takes off east out of florida to head overseas. About half way across the atlantic, the pilots notice a serious problem! Their payload (or weight) is way too heavy and will require too much fuel to make it across.
At the same time, they are far enough where they can't make it back to florida.

The pilots realize one solution, simply, some people have to get off or they will all die.

A few minutes later, the pilot calmly gets on the intercom to explain the situation to passengers.

After he explained it, he said their was only one way to be fair about it, and that was to go in alphabetical order.

So after everyone calmed down a bit, the pilot calmy gets on teh intercom.... "ok, all african americans, get of the plane"

Oddly, noone gets off.

A couple minutes pass and the pilot gets back on the intercom.......
"ok, all the blacks, get off the plane"

Once again...noone gets off.

So, the pilot tries again........
"ok, all the colored people, get off the plane"

Noone gets off


At this time, a little african american boy in the back of the plane looks up at his dad and says............

"daddy, aren't we all of those?"

His dad looked back at him, and calmly said.........

"not today son, today we are niggers, we will let the mexicans go first"









Once again.....no offense to anyone. I just like the ending cause you do not expect it at all!!

Then the little black boy looks over at the mexican boy who is laughing. "What the he'll are you laughing at" asks the black boy. The mexican boy responds "im a wetback so see you after the jump nigger" LMFAO.

Then the little black boy looks over at the mexican boy who is laughing. "What the he'll are you laughing at" asks the black boy. The mexican boy responds "im a wetback so see you after the jump nigger" LMFAO.

hahahaha :lmao good add on...i like that

hahahaha :lmao good add on...i like that

:stupic

Knock Knock

who is there?

Whoa

who is there?

Whoa

Whoa who?

:popcorn: