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531 Posts
Discussion Starter #42
Here’s a blonde story to end all blonde stories!
If she had killed herself - God forbid - she’d be a
shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating, was
having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft.
Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at all, and it was very sluggish in
almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to
come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

88 Posts
Here's a couple...

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please
use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

88 Posts
How about one more...

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

flyin' hawaiian
2,815 Posts
Three couples want to be married in a prestigious church. In order to do this, the minister explains, they must abstain from sex for 30 days and then report back to him. Thirty days later, the first couple shows up and the preacher asks them how it went. “Well, it was tough, but we really want this, so we made it.” “Great, see my secretary and she will set chapel reservations for you.” The second couple comes in shortly after that and says, “We had a real hard time but…we did it.” “Great, see my secretary,” says the preacher. Then the third couple comes in and the minister asks them how it went. The man says, “It was really tough. We made it until day 28, and then…well, she dropped a can of corn on the floor, bent over to pick it up, she was wearing a mini skirt and no panties, and I couldn’t help it. I nailed her right there.” “You realize you are not allowed to get married in this church now, right?” the minister asks. “Yeah,” the man replies. “That’s OK. We’re not allowed to shop at that Safeway anymore either.”

531 Posts
Discussion Starter #51

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their

"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

1,620 Posts
Dude, these two guys walk into a bar


The third one ducks!!!!




flyin' hawaiian
2,815 Posts
As the TransCanadian train pulled into Calgary station, a couple of strangers, a man and an attractive woman, boarded the train and asked the conductor if there were any berths left. He said that he was sorry but there was only one left, a double bunk berth. The man turned to the woman and said, "Well it's a long trip, so if you don't mind, why don't we share, I'll take the top bunk and you have the bottom one, is that OK with you?" The woman readily agreed so they settled down for the night. About two hours later, as the train was getting well into the foothills of the Rockys and it was getting a bit cold, the man leaned over the edge of his bunk and said to the woman,"Are you still awake?" She answered "Yes, why?" The man, shivering, said, "Could you pass me that blanket on the dresser there, it's getting quite chilly up here?" The woman answered "I've got a better idea, lets play man and wife!" The man excitedly said "Sure!" So the woman said: "In that case, get your own fucking blanket!"

327 Posts
:lmao That was a good one.
How about the chick who won the lottery, ran home all excited and happy, and told her boyfriend, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!!" He says, "Wow! that's great! What should I pack? Clothes for someplace warm, or someplace cold?"
"I don't care! Just get the hell out!" she replies...
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